Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A tale of Penny Knighthood and the case of the banger burglar?

Aye, it had been years since anyone had heard from or seen Ole Penny Fathrington, but there was something that always told us that he was but a stones throw away, always looking out for us; after all, how else could one explain sticky copper pennies found in the passageways of Parliament?
Tensions had begun to rise steadily in ye ole Parliament ever since the ground meat pasties and the boiled bacon bangers began to disappear.
Wild accusations were thrown around without any proof or pretense. But one thing was for sure, M.P.'s were going hungry for lunch, and every Briton knew what that meant, higher taxes on tea and meat.
Now the average citizen of ye ole England, but loved and loathed several things; to mention them all would be impossible, but to mention a few would be integral to the story.
First Britons loathed paying more then two bits for a shave and a shine, however, they loved stories of trolls and banshees, and a hot spot of tea to go with'em. But there is one thing that hated more than anything, and that was taxes on there most coveted of all tasties, bangers and pasties.
Now for them to hear that the taxes on bangers and pasties was nigh to rise, they would assemble and protest such political hijinks's.
It did not take long for Penny to come into play as if he was a mere whisper on the Northerly wind.
All the M.P.'s could sense a special air about Parliament throughout the next couple days, but not a single one could place a precise finger on what or who it was, even though many had inklings on who it might be, or at least hope against hope that it was Penny Fathrington.
Now Penny was not simply looking for an orphan to help this time, but instead was in hot pursuit of the banger burglar. Penny's tactic was more complicated then one could ever have guessed. He left copious amounts of sticky change near the ole ice chest, by this all the M.P.'s started to believe that it was Penny himself who was the banger burglar. Oh how wrong they were, had not they learned by now that Penny was without guile? That the only chapter in the book of Penny was the chapter HONESTY?
Penny was smarter than them all, by doing such, he made the banger burglar feel as if he was free to take whatever he wanted.
Penny laid in wait one early afternoon, knowing that he would catch the banger burglar if he could just resist helping out the orphans for but one afternoon.
His premonition proved spot on when I saw the banger burglar stroll in with a empty satchel girded about his waist. As the B.B. (so was the name Penny had given him, because of his hatred towards the fiend, Penny did not want to dignify him by pronouncing his whole name) placed the last of the pasties in his satchel, Penny with his lightning fast pirate bounding skills grabbed the man and hog tied him. Then with that same speed, Penny quickly carried him over to the House of Commons, for he knew the House of Lords would now show him as much mercy as the House of Commons would.
As the M.P.'s of the House of Commons came to their meeting chambers, they saw what looked to them like knight in shinning armor, all it really was however, was Penny making his escape through ye ole ventilation shaft, lubed up with all the grease from the pasties and bangers to help expedite his getaway. The shine they saw was due to the sparks in their eyes reflecting off of the greasy coinage that Penny had left behind on accident as he made his escape.
Now you ask, who was this villain, the banger burglar? I would tell you except, Penny thought it would be best if we left his name out of the story, suffice it to say, it was one of the local museum curators.
Later that same day, Penny Fathrington was unanimously voted into knighthood by both houses, although the House of the Lords vote seemed to be a tad more snooty then that of the Commons.
Because they knew they would never get a real appearance from Penny, they instead gathered as many of his sticky coins as they could find, and the Queen knighted them, thus making Penny, Sir Penny Fathrington.
And that is How Sir Penny came to being!


J.R. said...

Penny you are back! Oh to know that a spectacled kindly man is still out there dispensing sweaty ribbon candy revives the cockles in my heart!

Fillmores said...

Thankee for ye olde ventilation shaft!

Erin and Spencer said...

Jake that might the best entry yet. It has inspired me to one day soon write the tale of when Sir Penny fought off a ravenous Daddy Warbucks!