Tears were streaking down my ruddy british cheeks as I related my tale to a foul mouthed fawn. I was stuck in a cell made of ice and if I didn't speak he promised to mate me w/ the goblin in the picture. I don't even know if it's female. I begin my sad tale on the happy grassy fields of Mossburry lane. Lucy had just fallen in the cockelberry bush and was running to the house. Indubidably to have her head shaved once again. The cockleberry never leaves on it's own volition. She looks like more of a boy than I do when this happens. Peter was somewhere playing hoopscitch, and Susan was out collecting on her illegal gambling ring. But all of that is just pithy bother. What's important is that I was all alone. I had just ate 5 jars of marmalade and had quite the stomach ache!!! At that moment I declared that never again would I eat that sweet which in my tummy turned so sour. But this left a void!!!! lil' Eddy without a sweat!!! Why that is like the manor's ball without the foxtrot or the deval-buscheigh!!! It was at that moment of indecision that I heard a voice; warm, familiar and wise! It said, "sweet hard candy never made the boy a witches dandy!!" Sweet hard candy? the very opposite of mummy's warm liquidy marmalade? I turned to see the man behind the voice and to my surprise only saw a plate of sticky, warm, somewhat covered in hair ribbon candy!!! A faint sent of lathered horse could be smelt upon the air. This is the treat I would turn to. As i put forth my eager, trembling paw to partake of the hard goodness I caught a sight alltogether different out the corner of my eye! It was cubed, like Peter's ugly square face, and covered in powdered sugar. Really, Turkish Delight!? I've never had such fancy fare!! Pulling my hand back from the true and wholesome ribbon candy I reached for the sultan's sweet....Hmmh Sultan. As my hand grew ever closer I heard the voice again, "Sweet hard candy never made the boy a witches dandy." To my sadness I ignored it...and ate the Turkish delight. Now I've sold out my family and live in an ice cage. Possibly to be forced to sire a race of large goblin men. Please people, listen to the voice!!!
1 comment:
"Sweet hard candy never made the boy a witches dandy." That's the finest quote I've read in weeks. But that's not the point. I hope we all learn our lesson and never turn down the hand of providence though wrapped in the veneer of ribbon sticky goodness.
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